Live bloggin' The Oscars, peasants!!!

So. Here we are again, friends. It's been so long. I hope having me back makes you feel warm and safe and hopeful for the fate of the world and all that jazz. I'm live bloggin' the 2011 Oscars! But I'm gonna do it all in one post because, let's be honest. Like 12 of you read this blog. FS promised he would follow me live but he's sitting all of six feet from me and since I'm not exactly shy about showing my emotions, he'll likely know how I feel about each winner/loser as soon as it happens. I'd love to hear about how you all feel about the winners/non-winners (that's nice of me, right?) so get to steppin' w/the comments. Especially if you agree with me.
Here are some questions to get us started:
- What's your favorite Best Picture winner of all time?
- What's the worst Best Picture, in your humble opinion?
- Hugh Grant or Colin Firth?

And awaaaaaaaaay we go!

Oh, and to make it a little more interesting this year, we have a Steiner family Oscar Pool going. Jeff, Danni, Owen, Dana, Howie, Beth, Michael, Tina and Leibs. I'll give you updates on how we're all doing. FS is the favorite, I suppose, as he keeps tabs all year-round. But I just let his subscription to EW runout (SUCKER!) so, don't be surprised if next year's pool isn't just a little bit closer! The winner gets to be Festivus Queen or King for a year and sit at the head of the table and be served and never have to pass around food at Steiner/Bame family meals. Yes, Leibs, this means you're gettin' the hell out of that chair. We'll throw down if we have to, I don't care. You think I'm afraid of you? Not even a little bit.

First of all, these are the bitches who look hot tonight: Michelle Williams (as always, tiny potbelly but I can hook her up w/a good weight watchers leader if she wants), Jennifer Hudson (woot woot to my WW fellow-former-fatty), Helen Mirren - beautiful. Just beautiful. Reese Witherspoon - a little bridesmaidy, but good. ScarJo from the neck down. What hardresser did you piss-off? Yikes!

Here are the bitches who look, shall we say, less-than hot tonight: Amy Adams - cut that mop of hair and skip the muscle shirt next time (I say that out of love because you are one of my faves), Melissa Leo, aka the mayor of Crazytown, Nicole Kidman - ugly, ugly dress, Cate Blanchett from the neck down. That is one of the ugliest dresses of the night, Cate. (Got that, Julie-Ann? Fucking hideous. :)) It looks like the back of a dining room chair. But uglier and more out-of-style. Find a new stylist. Nice from the neck-up, though. Love the haircut.

Opening montage...pretty good, right? Crazy that James Franco actually looks like his grandmother. Love him. Hate Hathaway. Though I did love "Rachel Getting Married". She is just like nails on a chalkboard for me.
I'm so tired of Tom Hanks. He's a great guy, by all accounts, and I'm sure we could hang but I just need to go a few years without seeing him. You?
First award...Art Direction...goes to Alice in Wonderland! I liked that movie a lot. I didn't love it but it is dark and stunning, visually-speaking. Score one for Jeff, Danni, and Owen.
Second Award...Cinematography...goes to Inception. Didn't see it. Not my scene, really. Score one for my SIL Beth! This guy needs to take the fucking glasses off his forehead. Geek.
Commercial...hmmm...what to talk about. Oh! I finally saw The Deer Hunter! Holy shit! Far and away the most depressing movie I have ever seen. FS (who had, of course, already seen it, as have all good FSs) watched the end w/me and was, I think, a bit tickled about how hard "that scene" hit me. That was some fucked-up shit. What an amazing movie but too depressing for me to ever see again. And Meryl Streep and Bobby D. (he lets me call him that) both looked smokin' hot in the movie.
We're back...oh, good...we get to hear Kirk Douglas slur his way through some hokey bullshit. What did we do to deserve this shit? I think he's gonna ask Anne Hathaway to sit on his face. Luckily, she won't understand a word he says.
And the best supporting actress is...spit it out, grandpa! Here it is...Melissa Leo! Woot Woot! FSW sprints to an early lead in the pool!!! Leibs and Dana got this one, as well. Melissa Leo's dress is pretty hideous but it's still a step-up from those outfits from The Fighter. It looks like one of those mosaic hurricane candle holders. You know, with the mirrored shards of glass set in ceramic? Eww. She's just not of this decade, KWIM?
Next...animated feature and animated short feature...
Short Film...I think we all picked the Gruffalo because we were sad that Mark Ruffalo won't win so this was the next best thing. The winner is...The Lost Thing! No one picked it. More importantly, I'm still in the lead.
Animated Feature Film goes to...Toy Story 3!!! We all picked it. Except Michael (don't be sad, Michael. You're gonna get one right before the night is over. I know it.). More importantly, guess who's still in the lead??? Fuckin' A right I am!

What is this queer fucking commercial with the cat??? Are they spoofing Meet The Parents, or something? That's it. I'm never eating Fancy Feast again. That the was the dumbest commercial ever.

Javier and Josh. Yum. Are they giving an award for biggest noggin? They must have the two biggest heads (literally, not figuratively) in Hollywood. And Javier's jacket is too small. I would tap either of those asses in a heartbeat. I hear Josh likes to beat a bitch every now and again but I gotta admit...I'm sorta intrigued by that kind of thing.
Adapted screenplay goes to...Aaron Sorkin! I would not tap that ass. Though, I suspect he's tapped a few in his life. Score one for everyone except Owen. Sorry, buddy. Congrats on getting on the board, Michael. For those keeping score, I'm still in the lead.
Original screenplay goes to...The King's Speech! Score for everyone except Howie, Leibs, Tina and Owen. I really have to see this flick. Soon enough.
Let's check the standings, shall we? Danni - 1st, Beth 2nd, Jeff 3rd.
Next up...Foreign Language film...goes to...In a Better World. Score one for FS. That puts him ahead of me but not by as much as he should be, at this point. This is one where all his research paid-off for him. So, whatever.
Best supporting actor goes to...it'd better be Christian Bale even though I'd so rather sleep with Mark Ruffalo...Christian Bale! Yay! I think every one of us picked him.
What's next? Original Score...I'll be honest. I really want to beat FS on this one and put him in hi rightful place. Second. :) And the winner is...FUCK YES!!!! Trent Reznor for The Social Network! FSW is back in the lead!!! As it should be. I thought that movie was totally mediocre but I'm suddenly liking it a lot more.
Next up...Sound Mixing...apparently I chose True Grit. I cannot fathom WHY I made that choice, but...the winner is...Inception. FS, thanks to hours and hours of research, re-takes the lead. Holy shit...what in the fuck is that bitch wearing? Ten pounds of sugar in a five pound sack. Oh, apparently she has a wife. That helps explain that.
Sound editing...goes to...Inception. Most of us got that one. FS retains his lead for the moment.
Best makeup goes to...the Wolfman. Most of us got that one, too.
Best costume design goes to...Alice in Wonderland! Beth takes the lead! You go, Beth! I am pissy because this is the only one I labored over and I ultimately picked King's Speech over Alice. Curses. First instincts, right?
Documentary Short Subject goes to...Strangers No More. I think Beth retains the lead.
Live Action Short Subject goes to...God of Love. I think that puts our nemesis back in the lead. Love that guys hair! Big ups to the Jewfro! No wonder FS got that one right! The Fros tend to stick together.
Uggh. Oprah. Downgrade.
Best Documentary Feature goes to...Inside Job. Lame. Banksy rules! Counter-culture!
Ugggggh. Billy Crystal. Just when I thought they couldn't wheel out someone more annoying than Oprah.
Robert & Jude...now we're talking. Best Visual Effects goes to...Inception. I gambled on this one. And lost. LOL
Best Editing goes to...The Social Network. Lame award for a lame movie.

FS has just informed me that his mother and I, you know, the two women who have basically made his life worth living, are officially losers in the pool. Apparently, we cannot win. Well, that's what you think.
Oh, Hades! Gwyneth Paltrow? Seriously? Oprah, Billy and Fishsticks? Clearly this is not my night. Cate's dress made my eyes burn, then OOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!, then Schmucky Crystal, now I have to listen to this uptight cunt sing two minutes after I find out I'm out of the pool? I'm not walking outside tonight for fear of falling in a well or being struck by lightening.
Best Original Song...and the winner is...We Belong Together. Whatever. my loyal fans know what I think of Pixar movies (not much) so, even though I got this one correct, I don't care.
At least I got to see the Ozzy Osbourne commercial. I just love him. Read his book, "I Am Ozzy". It's awesome.
Now Celine. Here comes the lightning. I can feel it in my nutsack. And the dead people. Lesley Nielsen. Not funny. Dennis Hopper. Awsome. Dino DeLaurentis. Sorry, I blame you, personally, for the big-headed disaster that is Giada. Halle Berry looks great. Who would've guessed?
FS has put me in a very foul mood and I fear this blog entry is headed for a very dark place. And now we realize the Oscars, too, decided to leave Corey Haim out of their tribute to dead people. You suck just as hard as the Golden Globe assholes. By all means, include a bunch of people no one knows or gives a shit about but leave out someone beloved by many of us Gen Xers. You really suck dick. He wasn't one of the greatest but he was Lucas, dammit! You don't leave out Lucas!
Best Director goes to...Tom Hooper. Good for you. As long as it wasn't David Fincher, I'm happy.
What's left? Just the big three?
Best Actress goes to...Natalie Portman. I picked that one but I would have been very happy to see Annette win, too. Poor bitch can't catch a break.
Best Actor goes to...Colin Firth. How could you not love him? I'm in the middle of A Single Man right now and he is so cute in that. Yep. I went right from The Deer Hunter to A Single Man. It's all about death lately.
Finally we make it to Best Picture. I probably would have given-up by now except that I'm one of PS 22's biggest fans. I love those fucking kids!
And the Oscar goes to...The Kings Speech. Thank the baby Jesus that stupid, teenybopper flick about that social networking site didn't win. It was lame. Long live the King!

The final standings, in case you give a shit, are as follows:
FS
FSW
Beth
Howie
Leibs
Tina
Dana
Michael
Owen

Congrats, FS. You win this time but you know you never really win when I lose. Becuase you have to live with me. Ha!

Well, ablee ablee ablee that's all, folks! Talk back at me...if you've made it this far!