Live bloggin' The Oscars, peasants!!!

So. Here we are again, friends. It's been so long. I hope having me back makes you feel warm and safe and hopeful for the fate of the world and all that jazz. I'm live bloggin' the 2011 Oscars! But I'm gonna do it all in one post because, let's be honest. Like 12 of you read this blog. FS promised he would follow me live but he's sitting all of six feet from me and since I'm not exactly shy about showing my emotions, he'll likely know how I feel about each winner/loser as soon as it happens. I'd love to hear about how you all feel about the winners/non-winners (that's nice of me, right?) so get to steppin' w/the comments. Especially if you agree with me.
Here are some questions to get us started:
- What's your favorite Best Picture winner of all time?
- What's the worst Best Picture, in your humble opinion?
- Hugh Grant or Colin Firth?

And awaaaaaaaaay we go!

Oh, and to make it a little more interesting this year, we have a Steiner family Oscar Pool going. Jeff, Danni, Owen, Dana, Howie, Beth, Michael, Tina and Leibs. I'll give you updates on how we're all doing. FS is the favorite, I suppose, as he keeps tabs all year-round. But I just let his subscription to EW runout (SUCKER!) so, don't be surprised if next year's pool isn't just a little bit closer! The winner gets to be Festivus Queen or King for a year and sit at the head of the table and be served and never have to pass around food at Steiner/Bame family meals. Yes, Leibs, this means you're gettin' the hell out of that chair. We'll throw down if we have to, I don't care. You think I'm afraid of you? Not even a little bit.

First of all, these are the bitches who look hot tonight: Michelle Williams (as always, tiny potbelly but I can hook her up w/a good weight watchers leader if she wants), Jennifer Hudson (woot woot to my WW fellow-former-fatty), Helen Mirren - beautiful. Just beautiful. Reese Witherspoon - a little bridesmaidy, but good. ScarJo from the neck down. What hardresser did you piss-off? Yikes!

Here are the bitches who look, shall we say, less-than hot tonight: Amy Adams - cut that mop of hair and skip the muscle shirt next time (I say that out of love because you are one of my faves), Melissa Leo, aka the mayor of Crazytown, Nicole Kidman - ugly, ugly dress, Cate Blanchett from the neck down. That is one of the ugliest dresses of the night, Cate. (Got that, Julie-Ann? Fucking hideous. :)) It looks like the back of a dining room chair. But uglier and more out-of-style. Find a new stylist. Nice from the neck-up, though. Love the haircut.

Opening montage...pretty good, right? Crazy that James Franco actually looks like his grandmother. Love him. Hate Hathaway. Though I did love "Rachel Getting Married". She is just like nails on a chalkboard for me.
I'm so tired of Tom Hanks. He's a great guy, by all accounts, and I'm sure we could hang but I just need to go a few years without seeing him. You?
First award...Art Direction...goes to Alice in Wonderland! I liked that movie a lot. I didn't love it but it is dark and stunning, visually-speaking. Score one for Jeff, Danni, and Owen.
Second Award...Cinematography...goes to Inception. Didn't see it. Not my scene, really. Score one for my SIL Beth! This guy needs to take the fucking glasses off his forehead. Geek.
Commercial...hmmm...what to talk about. Oh! I finally saw The Deer Hunter! Holy shit! Far and away the most depressing movie I have ever seen. FS (who had, of course, already seen it, as have all good FSs) watched the end w/me and was, I think, a bit tickled about how hard "that scene" hit me. That was some fucked-up shit. What an amazing movie but too depressing for me to ever see again. And Meryl Streep and Bobby D. (he lets me call him that) both looked smokin' hot in the movie.
We're back...oh, good...we get to hear Kirk Douglas slur his way through some hokey bullshit. What did we do to deserve this shit? I think he's gonna ask Anne Hathaway to sit on his face. Luckily, she won't understand a word he says.
And the best supporting actress is...spit it out, grandpa! Here it is...Melissa Leo! Woot Woot! FSW sprints to an early lead in the pool!!! Leibs and Dana got this one, as well. Melissa Leo's dress is pretty hideous but it's still a step-up from those outfits from The Fighter. It looks like one of those mosaic hurricane candle holders. You know, with the mirrored shards of glass set in ceramic? Eww. She's just not of this decade, KWIM?
Next...animated feature and animated short feature...
Short Film...I think we all picked the Gruffalo because we were sad that Mark Ruffalo won't win so this was the next best thing. The winner is...The Lost Thing! No one picked it. More importantly, I'm still in the lead.
Animated Feature Film goes to...Toy Story 3!!! We all picked it. Except Michael (don't be sad, Michael. You're gonna get one right before the night is over. I know it.). More importantly, guess who's still in the lead??? Fuckin' A right I am!

What is this queer fucking commercial with the cat??? Are they spoofing Meet The Parents, or something? That's it. I'm never eating Fancy Feast again. That the was the dumbest commercial ever.

Javier and Josh. Yum. Are they giving an award for biggest noggin? They must have the two biggest heads (literally, not figuratively) in Hollywood. And Javier's jacket is too small. I would tap either of those asses in a heartbeat. I hear Josh likes to beat a bitch every now and again but I gotta admit...I'm sorta intrigued by that kind of thing.
Adapted screenplay goes to...Aaron Sorkin! I would not tap that ass. Though, I suspect he's tapped a few in his life. Score one for everyone except Owen. Sorry, buddy. Congrats on getting on the board, Michael. For those keeping score, I'm still in the lead.
Original screenplay goes to...The King's Speech! Score for everyone except Howie, Leibs, Tina and Owen. I really have to see this flick. Soon enough.
Let's check the standings, shall we? Danni - 1st, Beth 2nd, Jeff 3rd.
Next up...Foreign Language film...goes to...In a Better World. Score one for FS. That puts him ahead of me but not by as much as he should be, at this point. This is one where all his research paid-off for him. So, whatever.
Best supporting actor goes to...it'd better be Christian Bale even though I'd so rather sleep with Mark Ruffalo...Christian Bale! Yay! I think every one of us picked him.
What's next? Original Score...I'll be honest. I really want to beat FS on this one and put him in hi rightful place. Second. :) And the winner is...FUCK YES!!!! Trent Reznor for The Social Network! FSW is back in the lead!!! As it should be. I thought that movie was totally mediocre but I'm suddenly liking it a lot more.
Next up...Sound Mixing...apparently I chose True Grit. I cannot fathom WHY I made that choice, but...the winner is...Inception. FS, thanks to hours and hours of research, re-takes the lead. Holy shit...what in the fuck is that bitch wearing? Ten pounds of sugar in a five pound sack. Oh, apparently she has a wife. That helps explain that.
Sound editing...goes to...Inception. Most of us got that one. FS retains his lead for the moment.
Best makeup goes to...the Wolfman. Most of us got that one, too.
Best costume design goes to...Alice in Wonderland! Beth takes the lead! You go, Beth! I am pissy because this is the only one I labored over and I ultimately picked King's Speech over Alice. Curses. First instincts, right?
Documentary Short Subject goes to...Strangers No More. I think Beth retains the lead.
Live Action Short Subject goes to...God of Love. I think that puts our nemesis back in the lead. Love that guys hair! Big ups to the Jewfro! No wonder FS got that one right! The Fros tend to stick together.
Uggh. Oprah. Downgrade.
Best Documentary Feature goes to...Inside Job. Lame. Banksy rules! Counter-culture!
Ugggggh. Billy Crystal. Just when I thought they couldn't wheel out someone more annoying than Oprah.
Robert & Jude...now we're talking. Best Visual Effects goes to...Inception. I gambled on this one. And lost. LOL
Best Editing goes to...The Social Network. Lame award for a lame movie.

FS has just informed me that his mother and I, you know, the two women who have basically made his life worth living, are officially losers in the pool. Apparently, we cannot win. Well, that's what you think.
Oh, Hades! Gwyneth Paltrow? Seriously? Oprah, Billy and Fishsticks? Clearly this is not my night. Cate's dress made my eyes burn, then OOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!, then Schmucky Crystal, now I have to listen to this uptight cunt sing two minutes after I find out I'm out of the pool? I'm not walking outside tonight for fear of falling in a well or being struck by lightening.
Best Original Song...and the winner is...We Belong Together. Whatever. my loyal fans know what I think of Pixar movies (not much) so, even though I got this one correct, I don't care.
At least I got to see the Ozzy Osbourne commercial. I just love him. Read his book, "I Am Ozzy". It's awesome.
Now Celine. Here comes the lightning. I can feel it in my nutsack. And the dead people. Lesley Nielsen. Not funny. Dennis Hopper. Awsome. Dino DeLaurentis. Sorry, I blame you, personally, for the big-headed disaster that is Giada. Halle Berry looks great. Who would've guessed?
FS has put me in a very foul mood and I fear this blog entry is headed for a very dark place. And now we realize the Oscars, too, decided to leave Corey Haim out of their tribute to dead people. You suck just as hard as the Golden Globe assholes. By all means, include a bunch of people no one knows or gives a shit about but leave out someone beloved by many of us Gen Xers. You really suck dick. He wasn't one of the greatest but he was Lucas, dammit! You don't leave out Lucas!
Best Director goes to...Tom Hooper. Good for you. As long as it wasn't David Fincher, I'm happy.
What's left? Just the big three?
Best Actress goes to...Natalie Portman. I picked that one but I would have been very happy to see Annette win, too. Poor bitch can't catch a break.
Best Actor goes to...Colin Firth. How could you not love him? I'm in the middle of A Single Man right now and he is so cute in that. Yep. I went right from The Deer Hunter to A Single Man. It's all about death lately.
Finally we make it to Best Picture. I probably would have given-up by now except that I'm one of PS 22's biggest fans. I love those fucking kids!
And the Oscar goes to...The Kings Speech. Thank the baby Jesus that stupid, teenybopper flick about that social networking site didn't win. It was lame. Long live the King!

The final standings, in case you give a shit, are as follows:
FS
FSW
Beth
Howie
Leibs
Tina
Dana
Michael
Owen

Congrats, FS. You win this time but you know you never really win when I lose. Becuase you have to live with me. Ha!

Well, ablee ablee ablee that's all, folks! Talk back at me...if you've made it this far!

"Crazy Heart"...so much more than meh.

So, I loved this movie! I was sort-of excited to see it. More like it was by far the movie I was most interested in seeing the day we had the chance to dump the kinder-leibchen for lunch and movie. I figured it would be pretty good and that Jeff Bridges would be very good. Because everyone had been saying that he was just super in this movie.
In all honesty, "super" doesn't even begin to describe how good he is as Bad Blake, the semi-washed-up country singer who still has some good shit in him but who is stuck playing gigs at bowling alleys and redneck saloons. And I cannot stop being tickled by that name. Bad Blake. And he refers to himself as "Bad". How great is that? I'm thinking about forcing FS to refer to me, heretofore, as Dirty Danni. Just "Dirty", for short. Only in Bad's honor, of course. Who am I trying to kid? FS would totally get-off on something like that.
Anyway, I am trying to think of someone in recent memory who played a part so perfectly. You all know how much I loved, loved, loved Mickey Rourke as The Wrestler, right? He was perfect. But he was not quite as good as Jeff Bridges as Bad Blake.
Bad is a dirty birdy, an alcoholic, a deadbeat dad, a drunk driver, you name it. He is on the road constantly, working for little more than motel room & board. And drinking. A lot. He meets-up w/Jean Craddock (Maggie Gyllenhaal), a single-mom and aspiring music writer and, naturally, they do the bangety-bang. And they play it like Lionel Ritchie. All. Night. Long. I feel the need to insert here that I am told - not everyday but not never, either - that if I have a movie star doppelganger, Maggie would be her. Lucky bitch.
Their romance blossoms a bit. Bad meets Jean's young son Buddy (played by Jack Nation who is quite adorable and quite good in the film, BTW) and they hit it off, as well.
At some point between the alcoholic-puking and the Gyllenhaal-banging we meet Tommy Sweet, the hot young country star who was mentored by Bad and has since risen to stardom. Tommy is fortunate enough to be played by Colin Farrell. What is there to say about that? Wow. Maybe I'll just leave it at that.
My understanding is that Farrell (along with the others) did his own singing in the film. And he was really pretty good. Not that I gave a shit. I was too focused on just how undeniably perfect-looking he is. He struggled w/his accent a few times (just one or two times, literally) but was really good and believable as a cowboy.
So Bad pursues both Jean and a return to stardom and I'll just say he gets one but not the other and leave it at that. In case you haven't seen it. And you should. See it.
Gyllenhaal is good. The chemistry between Bad and Jean was a little weird for me at times. I thought they were totally believable during their boudoir scenes but not quite as much in their, umm, non-boudoir scenes. Like they had sexual chemistry but no real romantic chemistry. Yeah. Like that. I guess that's possible. If I could count the times in my life when I had sexual chemistry with a man I otherwise hated...hahaha. Just joking, FS. Just checking to see if you were reading carefully.
So, as I was saying, maybe Maggie was just being especially excellent at being disgusted by Bad while also wanting him as a daddy/husband/father to her son-type figure that I mistook it as a lack of romantic chemistry. I'll ask FS what he thought. I think I mentioned (somewhere) that he loved the movie, as well. He expected Bridges to be amazing but had heard that, beyond him, the movie was just meh. Take it from the FSW, this was much more than meh. The actors were all good, the movie didn't have any annoying unrealisticness (like that?) and I enjoyed every scene.
What are you waiting for? Go find it at your local arts theater! If you've never been there you'll feel smarter just for walking through the door!

The Good:
Jeff Bridges (The Great, really)
Colin Farrell's whole person
The music. Some of those songs actually moved me and I do NOT do country music outside those true-blue-blooded cunts also knows as the Dixie Chicks. And Tim McGraw. Don't even get me going on Tim. I will not be able to stop myself. humina humina

The Bad:
Nothing really comes to mind. M.G. was too thin, as usual, but usually I don't care because 1) telling bitches what they "should" weigh is not my thing (it shouldn't be anyone else's thing either, incidentally. Yes, David E. Kelley - I'm talking to you. How about trying on a bitch who's NOT anorexic...just once?) and 2)I don't normally have to see her nekkid and getting fingered by Jeff Bridges. I hope she puts on about 15 pounds for the sequel. Or at least for the next time she's being fingered on camera by anyone other than her queer husband (who I enjoy very much as an actor, BTW, but who needs to come out of the fucking closet already. For goodness sake, who do you think you're fooling, Peter?)


The Ugly:
That hideous skank Bad bangs at the end of the first night. Blast! I've seen better heads on boils!

I'm back, motherfuckers!!!

FSW is back! That's right - have some! I am ashamed to admit that I needed FS to figure out how to get me back into my own blog. I had put it aside for those few fleeting months when I actually had a job and by the time I made my way back to the blogosphere I had forgotten all my shit and couldn't get back in. Dur. Hats off to you, FS for getting me up and running and all that jazz.

First up - I will review "Crazy Heart", starring Jeff Bridges. I saw this w/FS on Valentine's Day (awwwwww, shucks) and we both absolutely loved it. JB was perfectly perfect for the role. Now that I've got you all back under my spell...you'll have to actually read the review to find out what I thought of Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Laters!

R.I.P Sweet-assed Patrick Swayze!!!

So sad to hear that Patrick has moved on to that big Chippendales audition in the sky. He was hot and nice (by all accounts) and had a REALLY great ass for a white guy and most importantly, made be laugh so damn hard in that Saturday Night Live dance scene w/Chris Farley. Remember his hair in that scene? Oh, man! Does anyone NOT think of that every time they hear "Workin' for the Weekend"??? Who would've guessed that fewer than 20 years later they would both be gone? Shame, shame.
Yes, I was one of those 12 year-old girls who saw "Dirty Dancing" five or 20 times back in the summer of 1987. Now THAT'S a "Great" movie. Take that, FS!! Suck it!!!And I watch it almost every time I flip past it on the boobtube, too.
He was smokin' hot in the Outsiders and Red Dawn and Youngblood, too. Roadhouse and Point Break weren't really my style, but my guess is he looked good in them, too.
So, big Xs and Os to you, Patrick. I was a fan!

Inglourious Basterds

Glourious. And I don't care if if that's corny. I fucking LOVED this movie! This is the best movie I have seen in a very long time. Maybe since "Fast times at Ridgmont High". Yes, I'm serious. It's that good. It officially dethrones "No Country For Old Men" as the last best movie I've seen. If that makes any sense. And even if it doesn't.
I'll write a full review of this one tonight when the boys are in bed (all three of them) and I actually have enough time to scratch my own ass. Then write the review.

For now I will just say, "See this movie. It is amazing." And I never say movies are "amazing" because people waaaaaaay overuse that word in reference to movies. I think I once overheard two older middle-aged women in a diner agree that "Monster-In-Law" was an amazing movie. Really? Was it, now? I think they just meant it was amazing that a woman their age (Jane Fonda) managed to escape looking like the freakishly-bloated roadkill the two of them so closely resembled.
Anyway, more of that sunshine later this evening...
..........to be continued.............

Which "classics" should we talk about here?

I have been thinking about the "old" movies (meaning, movies that were released prior to 2009) I want to review but I'd like to know which one you all love and hate so we can all get into it. I've started a list of true "oldies" and I'm thinking maybe I'll organize my posts in 20 year blocks, starting w/the 30's and 40's (feel free to throw in anything you like pre-1930, also...yes, I'm talking to you FS cuz no one else here watches the pre-talkies!). So....
To my millions of faithful followers...which movies from 1930-1949 do you love? Which ones do you hate? Maybe use this as an excuse to watch an oldie. Why not? I found one of my favorite movies by taking a chance on the Turner Classic Movie channel. Had it not been for that leap of faith, I never would have experienced, "A Place in the Sun". If you haven't seen it, see it. Mongomery Clift could give Brad Pitt or Clive Owen a run for their metrosexual money ANY DAY. He is hot.
Okay. GG. Don't leave me hanging!

Funny People

(for some reason my snob images aren't working...i will fix that when it is fixable. for now, I give this 3.5/5 noses in the air)




So……Funny People. It was funny. Very funny in some parts. In fairness, it was about stand-up comedians so it did sort-of have a responsibility to make me laugh at least a little bit. But, I don’t know. There was something about it that I just didn’t love. DISCLAIMER: This one is hard to review without revealing some spoilers so, read it at your own risk. Because I’m not going to make any effort to keep things a secret. That’s not my game. Honestly, it’s not that big a deal, anyway. This wasn’t The Crying Game for christsake.
George Simmons (Adam Sandler) is dying. Then he’s not dying anymore. He’s nice to Ira Wright (Seth Rogen). Then he’s a total dick to him. The only real constant is his desire to have back the one that got away (Laura, played by Leslie Mann). I don’t know why he wants back the “girl” who is built like a 12 year-old boy and has a face that has, well, let’s just say it’s seen better days (she looked pretty good in Big Daddy…she was curvier and didn’t have the face of an old broad) but, he does. Fine. To each his or her own. I guess she’s still better looking than Adam Sandler.
So they (George and Ira) end-up at Laura’s home in Marin county, playing with her kids and fucking her in her guest cottage (just one of them does that part…both of them probably would have pushed this to an “X” rating). Then her husband, Clark (played by the fabulously manly and handsome Eric Bana…seriously, he is 6’3” of perfection, with the exception of his weird non-matching ears) shows-up, steals a few scenes then beats the hell out of George. The fight scene was stupid (as are most fight scenes that don’t include either Borat or a member of the Bad Girl’s Club) but I liked that Clark wasn’t actually cheating on the ugly bitch, as she had claimed. I really just cannot stand the sound of Leslie Mann’s voice! Judd, how DO you listen to that voice on the regular? I’m guessing she must be pretty generous with the hand release. There’s just no other explanation for keeping her around.
And I was pissed that Ira apparently agreed to get back in cahoots w/George at the end. And I know Ira is Schmira and has no backbone to speak of but I still think his character had gotten to the point where he should have told George to go fuck himself. Honestly, I was hoping George’s terminal disease would return and put him away for good at the end of the movie. And it didn’t. There. Now you don’t have to see the movie.

The Good:
1. Seth Rogen. He is just delightful. Truth-be-told, FS himself is kind of Rogenesque, looks-wise. But cuter. You know, he’s one of those 20 to 40-something Jewish, but not too Jewish guys who’s got the Jewfro, pastywhite skin and beady eyes? Yeah, that. And they make you laugh? Yup. I fall for that shit everytime.
2. I liked the banter/scenes w/Shmira and his roommates Leo and Mark (Jonah Hill and Jason Schwartzman). Hill never fails to crack me up even though he never strays far from the same role. Something about him just makes me laugh (if you, too want a laugh, check-out Hill’s photo on the IMDB. He looks positively svelte compared to his current rotund-self).

The Bad:
1. Judd Apatow’s and Leslie Mann’s kids are in the movie. Again. As her kids. It’s getting old. Honestly, if there were something special about the kid roles they play and these girls fit the bill w/those special qualities, that would be fine. But they play average kids and when you make movies that already have the same core group of actors, to then put your kids in them…playing your IRL wife’s kids…it is tiring. Judd, I know you are reading this so hear my plea: Enough already! It’s bad enough your wife has hit the wall, looks-wise (see “The Ugly, below) but we don’t ALSO need to not be charmed by your average kids every time we plunk down our $9.50 to see one of your flix.
2. George Simmons was just an asshole. I was glad both he and Laura basically didn’t get what they wanted and got what they deserved.

The Ugly:
• Leslie Mann. Sorry. She’s lost her looks (and “lost” is the right term…she used to look good) and plays the same part…whiny, useless wife of sexy, wealthy man who has a profession which keeps him away from her as much as possible…in every movie.

What I learned:
• The same thing everyone else learned. That we don’t EVER EVER EVER again want to see Seth, Jonah and Leslie (especially Leslie) in a Judd Apatow movie. No more. Enough already. Tweaking/shuffling the cast just a bit for each movie isn’t gonna cut it anymore. Try it again and we the people are gonna revolt. Mark my words. “You’ll be sorry, Pee Wee Herman!” - F. Buxton